Posts Tagged ‘horoscopes’

Happy New Year – It’s February.

February 3, 2010

Every Wednesday I make a new Facebook profile pic for Lily. This week: LDI Superbowled.

February’s always a creeper. I inevitably am surprised when it rolls around. What? Oscar noms already? What? My brother’s birthday next week? What? I need to bring dip to a Superbowl party? What? Superbowl? I’m still saying ‘Happy New Year’ with the goofy grin of someone thinking she is being timely and cute. Quite the opposite.  Thus, I didn’t get my February writers pinned down, and yours truly is writing LilyDidIt‘s horoscope’s for the month.  And the Top 5 list.

Usually, I commission these weekly contributions from a funny-hip-up-and-coming writer ideally of the female persuasion ’cause LDI attracts the ladies more than the lads.  Plus, I want to encourage women to write. We need more of them writing online, on TV, on bathroom walls. Wherever! Write! Ladies, write!

So far, I’ve had great luck securing writers thanks to maintaining a circle of talented peers, an ambitious intern this summer who recruited talent for months in advance, and living in a town populated by creatively driven people willing to work for free (and befriend a promising director. (yo, that’s me. you should really read this blog more if you were confused.))

The good news is that I think because I’m back to writing on a daily basis, these LDI pieces are fun diversions within the brain space I’m already inhabiting.  They are short, funny, current event focused quips. In the end, I think they are good writing exercises and good excuses for me to call it research and read Jezebel and CNN.com

I don’t want anyone to strain a muscle with an extra click, so here is this week’s content — laid before you like the princesses and princes that you are. BTW – my favorite astrological predictions are for Gemini, Virgo, and Capricorn.

TOP 5 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY HAS OLYMPIC FEVER

1. You Vomit Red, White and Blue.
And your little sis has a stars ‘n stripes rash on her ass.

2. They Got the Gear.
Your bro is wearing skates to the dinner table, and Dad’s sporting his ski suit at work.

3. Everyone’s an Olympian to Your Dad.
This morning he said, “If you want Gretchen Bleiler to drive you to school, help Lindsey Vonn put on her backpack and scoop up Apolo Ohno’s poop before someone steps in it.”

4. Your Mom Is Boycotting Pasta.
‘Cause those no-good Italians have mad luge skills. She’s also constantly bad-mouthing the Germans and has purged her iPod of all Bryan Adams’ music. (The Canadian curlers are great this year.)

5. You Break Into a Cold Sweat When You See THIS Guy.
And you’ve set “The Olympic Fanfare” as your ringtone.

HOROSCOPES by Chris Landa (my nom de plume that’s now not so much a mystery)

ARIES ARIES
After seeing SHERLOCK HOLMES, you’re absolutely, positively, 100% sure of one thing in this world: Robert Downey Jr. can save any movie.
TAURUS TAURUS
First date this week. Don’t internet stalk the dude for convo starters. His moon is in your fifth house, meaning he can smell a Google search from a mile away.
GEMINI GEMINI
Rethink that ice skating bear routine you’ve been kicking around.
CANCER CANCER
Call your mom. She’s talking shit about you.
LEO LEO
Call him Mr. Flintstone not because he can “make your bed rock,” but ’cause his head’s full of rocks. Make this dummy prehistoric, baby.
VIRGO VIRGO
Congrats! If you’re Virgo Beyonce, you’re on cloud nine polishing your 6 Grammys. If you’re a regular Virgo, this week’s highlight is Taco Thursday.
LIBRA LIBRA
One of your guy friends wants to do more than share frozen yogurt with you. It’s the one you think has Asberger’s.
SCORPIO SCORPIO
Remember when you were hot, fun, and happy? This month you have a chance to get it all back when you lose your job but win back your libido.
SAGITTARIUS SAGITTARIUS
You forgot to shave your left armpit.
CAPRICORN CAPRICORN
Enjoy this calm and bountiful time because next week’s a real bitch.
AQUARIUS AQUARIUS
Your roommates aren’t doing their chores. Don’t panic. They’ll crippled in a terrible car accident later this week.
PISCES PISCES
When you split your baggy jeans, you realize it’s time to hit THE MALL. Screw the gym!

LilyDidIt Holiday Videos

December 10, 2009

Happy December!

Pumpkin pie, Black Friday and Beyonce’s “I Am Yours” televised Thanksgiving special are behind us. Ahead lies illuminated lawn displays of  Rudolph and friends, roasted chestnuts, Oprah’s interview with Obama, AND… LilyDidIt’s HOLIDAY video e-cards!

Video cards celebrating all the winter Holidays (including the sacred festival of School’s Out for Winter Break!) are available TODAY at LilyDidIt!

Other stocking stuffers available @ LDI:

  • Top Five Lists
  • December Horoscopes by yours truly
  • Jen Leavey’s LILY DOES (ONLINE) DATING column
  • This week’s Featured Video “Winter Breakdown,” dedicated to all the book-cracking students counting down the days to freedom

Wishing you a happy and healthy holiday season from LilyDidIt and RPat!

Starry-Eyed

November 29, 2009

I dusted off my crystal ball and am channeling predictions of the future for the month of December.  In other words, I’m writing LilyDidIt‘s horoscopes for the final month of 2009!

The ‘scopes have proven to be one of our most popular new features since superwoman intern, Talya, and I re-vamped the site this summer.  I suppose I could have predicted that.  (oooh. snap!)

We’ve rotated through funny, sharp, sassy astrologers” for the last few months; most recently we’ve enjoyed the soothsaying of Jessica Abel, a current Northwestern undergrad we recruited a few months ago– yeah, I favor my fellow wildcats.  However, Jessica’s terms is over, and I’m feeling particularly in tune with the stars.  With AIV on the downswing and my next writing project on the upswing, it’s like I’m hitting the gym again but in the world of writing and the ‘scopes are like a 15 minute abs class that eases you back into the game.

Perhaps my favorite forecast for my first week is for Pisces:

Your prayers came true last week: Robbie Williams wasat the top of the Euro Billboard charts for a 2nd week. This week continue to leverage your relationship with God and pray for starving children in Africa.

The rest of my horoscopes are posted on LilyDidIt as of… NOW.  See.  Yet another accurate prediction.


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