Happy New Year – It’s February.

Every Wednesday I make a new Facebook profile pic for Lily. This week: LDI Superbowled.

February’s always a creeper. I inevitably am surprised when it rolls around. What? Oscar noms already? What? My brother’s birthday next week? What? I need to bring dip to a Superbowl party? What? Superbowl? I’m still saying ‘Happy New Year’ with the goofy grin of someone thinking she is being timely and cute. Quite the opposite.  Thus, I didn’t get my February writers pinned down, and yours truly is writing LilyDidIt‘s horoscope’s for the month.  And the Top 5 list.

Usually, I commission these weekly contributions from a funny-hip-up-and-coming writer ideally of the female persuasion ’cause LDI attracts the ladies more than the lads.  Plus, I want to encourage women to write. We need more of them writing online, on TV, on bathroom walls. Wherever! Write! Ladies, write!

So far, I’ve had great luck securing writers thanks to maintaining a circle of talented peers, an ambitious intern this summer who recruited talent for months in advance, and living in a town populated by creatively driven people willing to work for free (and befriend a promising director. (yo, that’s me. you should really read this blog more if you were confused.))

The good news is that I think because I’m back to writing on a daily basis, these LDI pieces are fun diversions within the brain space I’m already inhabiting.  They are short, funny, current event focused quips. In the end, I think they are good writing exercises and good excuses for me to call it research and read Jezebel and CNN.com

I don’t want anyone to strain a muscle with an extra click, so here is this week’s content — laid before you like the princesses and princes that you are. BTW – my favorite astrological predictions are for Gemini, Virgo, and Capricorn.


1. You Vomit Red, White and Blue.
And your little sis has a stars ‘n stripes rash on her ass.

2. They Got the Gear.
Your bro is wearing skates to the dinner table, and Dad’s sporting his ski suit at work.

3. Everyone’s an Olympian to Your Dad.
This morning he said, “If you want Gretchen Bleiler to drive you to school, help Lindsey Vonn put on her backpack and scoop up Apolo Ohno’s poop before someone steps in it.”

4. Your Mom Is Boycotting Pasta.
‘Cause those no-good Italians have mad luge skills. She’s also constantly bad-mouthing the Germans and has purged her iPod of all Bryan Adams’ music. (The Canadian curlers are great this year.)

5. You Break Into a Cold Sweat When You See THIS Guy.
And you’ve set “The Olympic Fanfare” as your ringtone.

HOROSCOPES by Chris Landa (my nom de plume that’s now not so much a mystery)

After seeing SHERLOCK HOLMES, you’re absolutely, positively, 100% sure of one thing in this world: Robert Downey Jr. can save any movie.
First date this week. Don’t internet stalk the dude for convo starters. His moon is in your fifth house, meaning he can smell a Google search from a mile away.
Rethink that ice skating bear routine you’ve been kicking around.
Call your mom. She’s talking shit about you.
Call him Mr. Flintstone not because he can “make your bed rock,” but ’cause his head’s full of rocks. Make this dummy prehistoric, baby.
Congrats! If you’re Virgo Beyonce, you’re on cloud nine polishing your 6 Grammys. If you’re a regular Virgo, this week’s highlight is Taco Thursday.
One of your guy friends wants to do more than share frozen yogurt with you. It’s the one you think has Asberger’s.
Remember when you were hot, fun, and happy? This month you have a chance to get it all back when you lose your job but win back your libido.
You forgot to shave your left armpit.
Enjoy this calm and bountiful time because next week’s a real bitch.
Your roommates aren’t doing their chores. Don’t panic. They’ll crippled in a terrible car accident later this week.
When you split your baggy jeans, you realize it’s time to hit THE MALL. Screw the gym!

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3 Responses to “Happy New Year – It’s February.”

  1. Briel Says:

    My mom would never talk shit about me. Your astrological predictions are faulty!! 😉

  2. Anna Says:

    Oops! Forgot to include the exclusion of all Cancers named Briel in that forecast. 🙂

  3. Briel K. Says:

    That must be the problem. haha

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